Sometimes I hate my job

I had to seriously give myself a pep talk to do the dishes today. If there is one chore that is seriously just that--a CHORE--it's doing the dishes. UGH.

I just stormed away from the dishes in my kitchen. Well, I stormed to the fridge, poured myself a drink (cranberry juice, nothing fermented, though I probably would've drank some if I had it), grabbed some Oreos, and plopped onto the couch and watched some chef on the Food Network make her family dinner. UGH. Dishes are clearly a common issue with me, given that those first lines up there (yeah, did you read those?) were written days ago. But as dishes go, they always come back, always... And. It. SUCKS.

I've been having a pretty sucky day over all, as I did yesterday. I've been battling the same emotions again, the internal struggle of whether my worth outside the home would be greater than if I stayed here. Looking at my baby girl, I can't imagine leaving her, but this rut I keep getting stuck in is pretty miserable. I'm sure there are other moms who understand. (I hope...) I saw this commercial on tv that said something ridiculous like "When you're doing what you love, it's not work at all." I call bull-crap. *bleep*bleep*!! Lol. (Yeah, that kinda day.) Because I love being a mom, seriously!! But heck if it isn't work every single day. (Whew, this venting feels good! I actually just smiled.) And since this stay at home mom thing is a JOB, I still gotta do the dishes. *grumble*grumble*grumble* Oh, and what made things worse? I had just posted a quote above my kitchen sink, and my husband joking about it the night before over a sink full of dishes did not make my mood any better. Here's the quote:

How's that for some conviction for ya? Grrrr...

So after I finished my juice and Oreos on the couch and glared at the woman on the screen making the perfectly prepared and "oh so easy" dinner for her family, I picked up my phone and scrolled through Facebook. (You thought I was going to say I called someone, didn't you? Can I just say that social media is so pro-procrastination?!). I came across an incredibly timely post that dealt with this ongoing problem I've been having with disciplining myself. It made me simmer down a bit about my overall apathy towards my "job" as it reminded me Who I'm ultimately serving and why discipline and self-control are important. Then I got a text from a friend literally at the EXACT MOMENT I was pounding away at these keys, venting in this post. It was a link to a post from desiringgod called Don't Give Up. I saw the title in the url and immediately started crying. There it was. There was my confirmation that the Lord was not just hearing me, He was listening to me and responding to me and present with me and how incredible is that!?! Even when I'm angry and responding in my sinful way, and discouraged and hopeless and feeling like there is no way I could keep at this job, the Lord reminded me and encouraged me through His Word at just the right time that there is hope, and not to give up. So. thankful.

I can't say I'm disciplined yet or that in the one day that's passed (I wrote this post yesterday) that I always want to do the things that need to get done. I can't say when I do get stuff done I'm always doing it gladly as unto the Lord (Col. 3:23-24), but I am so glad that sanctification is a process. Every day there are new mercies (Lam. 3:22-23) and every day the Lord has been providing me with more grace (James 4:6).  Glory to Him!

Dishes are just a small part of my full time job and though in the grand scheme of things it seems to be so minor, I know my reaction to them shows the overall (bad, sinful) attitude of my heart towards this role God has placed me in. I wince just writing that, but I know that once I recognize it and surrender it to the Lord, He can then mold me into the vessel (wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend, human) He desires for me to look like, because what I am now is clearly not it. I'd much rather be soft clay in the hands of God than a hardened piece that has to be broken and broken again in order to take the form He desires and that brings Him the most glory.

Well, now my baby is screaming at me, and I can only assume that her attempts to unplug the laptop are her attempt to get my full attention. Time to get back to work.

I didn't write this, and I don't know who did, but I am definitely putting THIS above my sink!! The other quote will have to find a new home. :-)

Verses and Quotes for Conviction and Encouragement

 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord you are serving.

-Colossians 3:23-24

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

-Lamentations 3:22-23

But He gives more grace. Therefore it says, 
"God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble."

-James 4:6

This job has been given to me to do. Therefore, it is a gift. Therefore, it is a privilege. Therefore, it is an offereing I may make to God. Therefore, it is to be done glady, if done for Him. Here, not somewhere else, I may learn God's way. In this job, not in some other, God looks for faithfulness.

-Elisabeth Elliot

Song that Encouraged Me!
 This one's a throwback!! I love how this song reminds me that no matter where we are in the world, in our life, that God is the one who in His sovereignty, put us there! And instead of lamenting that fact we should be trying to align ourselves with His plan!!

When I burp you, I burp, too

Before having Naomi I really had no baby experience. I have four younger siblings, but my older sister, who I fondly call Hermanita (despite the fact that she's 4 years older than me), typically took charge in assisting my parents in their (our) care. So this whole parenthood deal has really been learning as I go. Enter the burping phenomena....

Those first couple months were definitely a struggle to find a balance of how much Naomi could eat before she had to burp to keep her from being fussy and uncomfortable for the rest of the day. There were times I would sit for what seemed like hours and just be patting, patting, patting her on the back. I'd lay her across my lap, have her on my shoulder, put her in a sitting position, lay her on her tummy, pat-pat-patting the entire time. It was exhausting, to be honest, because by the time I was able to get a little gas out of her little tummy, she'd be ready to eat all over again. Made for long days, that's for sure. Other times, she'd be happily eating away, not putting up a fuss, and with one pat on the back she'd let out a ginormous man-burp. Great, right? Nope, because up with the gas came all the food I just fed her. And then she'd be hungry again, and I'd be sad. Can a mama catch a break?

Why do all the mamas in the Google Images of burping children have happy faces? I, for one, am typically tired and maybe even a little sad when I have to go through all these burping positions. Lol. #firsttimemamadrama

Here's a fun fact for ya: over half the time when I burp Naomi, I end up burping as well. The majority of the times when that happens, I'll burp first. Do you know how frustrated that used to make me?? Here I am at the crack of dawn or the middle of the night or even midday, typically wishing I could just close my eyes for a few minutes of sleep. Instead, I'm trying to accomplish the seemingly impossible task of getting a gas bubble out of my little one's tummy, and instead of that happening for her, it happens to me. I DON'T NEED TO BURP!!! I mean, really! She's the one who'll be crying and fussing and wriggling and making me feel like a failing mom if she doesn't adequately burp. Not me! I'm just fine burping her without burping myself, thank you very much.

I remember the first time the Lord showed me the spiritual lesson in this situation. I was sitting on my bed, sleepy (typical), and just so. freakin. tired. of working so hard to get the results out of my baby that I knew would make the day go much better. Then here I go, burping, when as far as I knew, I wasn't even gassy; Naomi was!

So often in life I will work hard and seek results out of other people. I'll see something in them that could use adjustment--character, attitude, whatever--and I'll put all my energy and good intentions into changing them for the better. More often than not when this is the case, I'll find out along the way that while I'm trying to do a work in someone else, the Lord is more importantly trying to do a work in me. For example, and of course this is purely hypothetical, hehe, there may be things about my husband--mannerisms or actions--that I am just certain that if I just work my wifely magic, I can change him and then things would be better in our home. There are friends I might pursue and begin going to work on them to make them into better people or better Christians, knowing that if I just do this, they'll be all better and the world would be better because of my actions. It can apply to so much more! Siblings, parents, coworkers--it doesn't matter who.

See, here's the problem with this mindset; it's rooted in pride! We've all heard (or maybe you haven't?) that saying of "always at the center of pride is I". I am going to do this, this, and this, so that I can change this person, so that I can make things better. I am going to nag and complain and pursue and push to make things happen so that I can make the point that my way is indeed the best way. I am going to.... you fill in the blank from here! All along God is showing me, no, you may be trying to do this your way, but I am going to do a work in you first. You see, it isn't always that the things that we are doing or trying to change or make better are wrong. Is it wrong for me to want my friend to recognize where's she's strayed from the Lord and to turn back to Him? No, of course not! The issue arises when I become so consumed with her issues and problems that I forget about my own. My lack of humility and lack of awareness of my own need of grace leads to the Lord causing me to "burp first." He first does a work in me, and in doing so, perhaps then He does a work in someone else.

I am happy to say that burping Naomi has become much easier as the months have passed. She's much more adept at burping on her own, which definitely saves me some time and energy, and definitely some bibs. I really do believe that the Lord used this basic of parenting to open my eyes to my need of His work in me before I focus on someone else.

My baby's six months old!

You know you're tired when you wake up and the first song in your head is "Big, Blonde, and Beautiful" from Hairspray and you haven't seen the movie in months. You know you're tired when you're ironing your husband's dress shirt like you have innumerable times before and you nearly burn yourself two or three times. You know you're tired when you go downstairs and realize that you were so tired from the night before that you forgot to turn off the light in the living room. (So much for lowering that electric bill.) You know you're tired when your baby spits up in your bed and you use a onesie that she's not wearing to wipe it up and lay right back down. (That sounds kinda gross when I write it out that way...) You know you're tired when you willingly let said baby gleefully whack you repeatedly with her teething toy while you're lying down if it means you get to close your eyes for a bit longer. You know you're tired when.... this list could go on and on! And that's only a peek at yesterday morning--a day that marked six months of life for our sweet Naomi Grace.

Here are some mind-blowing statistics for ya:

We've changed approximately 950 diapers.
We've cleaned up the aftermath of 10 or less poopy diaper blowouts (not bad, eh?)
We've lost a crazy amount of sleep.

Here are the things that make that other stuff fade into the background...

First smile. First laugh.
First time flipping over.
First time trying foods.
Sitting up and scooting around.
Snuggles, snuggles, and more snuggles.
So. Much. More.

Parenthood is hardly easy. If that first paragraph didn't state it plainly enough, being a mom can be exhausting. It takes a ton of discipline, and Lord knows I'd be lying through. my. teeth. if I said I was even close to as disciplined as I know I need to be. I am ever so thankful for new mercies from God each and every day, because while I may be on track and doing great one day, the next day I can be an oversleeping, irritable, impatient mess. It's not like I didn't know this could/would be the case once I became a mom. However, experience can be way different than head knowledge, especially when it comes to parenting.

Being a mom to Naomi during these six months has been much more fun and rewarding than it has been trying, and I thank God for that! I am incredibly blessed to have such a strong, smart, and beautiful baby girl, and I look forward to doing life with her for years and years and years and YEARS to come! :-)

Labor of Love: The Birth Story of Naomi Grace

Nine months passed more quickly than I ever imagined it would. One day you're waddling around, back sore, hands wrapped around a belly with skin stretched tight. Next day you're lying back, pushing and panting and pouring forth life as one body becomes two. It all happened so fast.

The contractions were about ten minutes apart, and I lay there in the dark, attempting to grasp at fleeting bits of sleep between each tense moment. My eyes were blurry with exhaustion, and I kept a pen and note card underneath my pillow to remind myself to write down each time I felt the pain. I was far too tired to remember anything. Minutes became hours, and I finally shook my hard-working husband awake.

I was completely indecisive about whether I should go in or not. The day before I was one centimeter dilated, and who is to say whether it would be an hour or a week before my girl was to come? Early labor, false labor, whatever. I ditched all the titles and just called it pain. It started in my sides and seared through my back, and I realized the fetal position was for more than just the unborn. He decided for me, so off to the hospital we went.

The drive there is a blur, though I remember wincing as we went over every bump and pothole and  braked for every light. And when we had to slow down because of the early morning traffic, I squeezed his hand and the handle of the door and both he and I told me that I could make it.

I was weak with exhaustion and exertion by the time I made it to the maternity ward, and the midwife said, no way I would I have the energy to push without having had any sleep in 24 hours. And upon being checked and found to be still at one, I faltered at the thought that it would be a long time coming before anything (or one) would be coming out of me.

A long, long hour, the longest it seems I may have ever experienced, walking around the giant loop of the ward. Around and around, arms wrapped tightly around the husband's waist as he whispered quiet encouragements and he pressed hard against the pain that ripped through my back. Around and around, and we passed someone else, a mom and her daughter, reflecting the glazed look I had in my own eyes as she too walked her way towards a new title in life: Mom. Around and around, pausing for ice chips and bathroom breaks, but who can let loose fluid when all your muscles strain and tighten in rebellion? More pauses and prayers and as the intensity increased so did the volume of those whispered encouragements to speak over the noise of doubt in my mind that I'd really be able to do this.

Finally the hour ended and they asked me to lay back once more, and I writhed and curled as the lines on the screen spiked and leveled out in tune to the contractions coursing through my body. After an hour of becoming not one, but three centimeters dilated, I was sure there was no way I could do it. (I had hoped to be further along.) Lack of sleep overwhelmed my thinking and my thoughts were taken over by every. single. person. who told me that I'd want to do this without medicine....at least until the pain came. Then I'd be in my right mind and would take whatever they would give me, no questions asked. (Didn't you know that in a time of crisis the pessimists completely take over your mind? Watch your company and conversation, that's what I learned.) So the midwife talked, and I rolled and tossed and simply wanted silence, and she told me again if I didn't get some sleep I wouldn't have the energy to push. Tears welled up and and I felt like a failure and the husband stepped in once again and told me I could do this, told the midwife no medication would be necessary except for something to help me sleep.

So slept I did, as much as one can when it feels like a sumo-wrestler has made up his mind to squeeze every last breath out of you every few minutes. An hour passed, another half hour passed, and I was wide awake once again. There'd be no more sleep for hours to come.

The midwife came, and I laid myself back, and was shocked to hear that I went from one to three to eight. She talked and I listened and squeezed squeezed squeeeeezed on the husband's hand and looked right into his eyes and asked him if I could do this, and he said I absolutely could. And every five, four, three minutes I squeezed and I asked and he answered and I believed him. I absolutely could do this. No turning back.

Time in the tub and then time over the toilet and it's incredible how one takes for granted the most basic of bodily functions. The fear of the tube coming in me and draining me came on far stronger than the apprehension of a baby girl coming out of me, but the husband was there and he made me look at him and told me it was okay, it wouldn't be bad, and I guess it wasn't as bad as I thought, but I know I couldn't have done it without him.

It was time. How did I know? I have no idea. But right before that my mom came in, checking on me as she had this whole time, and I love her so much for it, but I had eyes only for my husband, because at that time we were one like never before. She came and she smiled and supported and cared and empathized as only she could, for six times over had she been in my place and she knew what was to come. She was there, then she left--but not far away, just outside the door as I came to find out later on.

Are you ready to push? came the question to me, and I had no idea because I'd never done this before. Forget all my research and my planning about positioning because I was in pain and I wasn't getting out that bed until there was a baby in my arms. The bed tilted and I realized, this is real...this is real! And as the contractions came, I grabbed hold of my husband and the nurse at my side and chin down, eyes squeezed shut, breath held, I pushed and I pushed and I stopped and panted and looked at my husband and he told me I could do this. I could do this. I would do this.

So an hour of this but perhaps shorter? it really seemed fast, then there was a shift change. It's a blur really, but a new nurse came in with the first nurse and husband and midwife, and it's amazing how annoying people can hinder your progress. What this new person took as encouragement, I took as harsh, and in frustration and pain, I yelled (or screamed?) for the very first time. The midwife told me that it had be my most unproductive push yet. But one can't explain the searing pain as you stretch and you tear and open yourself up for someone else, so literally! I determined in myself (and with the help of the husband) that if I would hurt, I would hurt with purpose (productive pain), so there would be no more yelling for the rest of the delivery.

The mirror came out, much to my dismay, and the glass reflected a red messy blur, and thank God I didn't have my glasses. No matter how much they were amazed at how well I was doing for a first-timer, I needed no convincing that my baby was coming out. And speaking of God? oh, how wrong of me it would be to not place Him at His proper place and give credit where it's due because there's no way in the world I would have made it through without Him!

GOD gave me that man, my wonderful husband, the amazing one without whom I would not have been able to focus on my breathing and relaxation between and during every push. God gave me someone who's word I could trust when he told me that I could do it, and I'm doing amazing, and he was so proud of me. God gave me this man that I have come to love in a whole new way because of the labor and delivery process. So I give God his credit. And oh, for the Word! God's glorious Word! Scripture memory is so important, and the verse that echoed through my mind on that day was the same one that helped me during emotionally troubling times of high school. Incredible how, years later, as I experienced both internal and external pain it came to mind once more: this light affliction...is but for a moment...worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory...things that are not seen...are eternal. The verse was fragmented and out of context and I held onto it for dear life, quite literally! How light the affliction was in light of what was to come, the birth of my sweet baby girl.

And so the time came, and I vaguely remember it, almost an out-of-body experience of that final request to Push! and I did, with all my might! And I felt it--I can't even explain to you what it felt like... (When two become one, and one becomes two-in-one, and that two-in-one becomes two separate beings!?...it's a miracle, really.) Then came that indescribable feeling of life coming out, and of being so confused when she said, Stop! Stop pushing! Breathe! and I had no idea why til I felt and I saw, that's my girl! MY GIRL!! And the cord was clamped and her daddy cut it and she was placed in my arms, and it's all so surreal, but as I saw her wide eyes, open mouth, curly hair, body small and slick, I knew it was real. So real. I was (I am) a mom.

The rest of the story I'll (maybe) tell another day, about the postpartum recovery and such. (Let me just say, the labor and delivery was a breeze in comparison.) But who cares about all that? Because all that really matters is that I gave birth to a precious little girl named Naomi Grace who I have the blessing of mothering which both excites and scares me. I don't have to do it alone though. She has an awesome daddy who loves her to pieces, another awesome Daddy who died for her and we're praying for her to one day be in a relationship with, and Nanas and Papas and Aunties and Uncles and Godparents and just a whole big huge support system with a vested interest in her growth and development, physically, spiritually and beyond.

I love this new life as a mom. I'm tired and showers are sometimes optional and when you're your child's sole source of nutrition for months on end, it can be quite draining (literally...). But it's worth it, and I love her and would go through this process again for sure. May I never forget the miracle of new life.

For your viewing pleasure....pictures from the (first) baby shower, then skipping ahead to some post-delivery and more current shots.

Foooood!!!

Gotta love edible centerpieces... All thanks to my mom for this crowd favorite! So cute and yummy! :-)

It's me! I keep saying that if it weren't for these pictures, it'd be hard for me to believe and remember that there was an actual BABY inside of me! 

Me and my daddy! He was working out of state and surprised me at the shower! Made me extra happy :-)

Whole family! (From left: bro, bro, mom and dad, me and the husband, sis, bro, sis, and bro-in-law)

Me again! I actually quite enjoyed being pregnant.

There were so many cameras! Hence the looking in different directions lol. The Husband and I with Naomi's godparents--his best friend and my bestest :-)

Not a shower photo, but I had to share! I think I was 38-ish weeks. 

Taken two days before she was born. Had just had my hair straightened and cut. Definitely didn't do it for like a month and a half after she was born. Ick! But hair definitely wasn't high on the priority list w/ a newborn!

Now on to the pictures you really care about...

Just born.

On her birth-day.

She still doesn't like mittens...

Me and my sweet baby girl.

Man, she loved that swaddle early on! This was after she came home from the hospital. :-)

5 days old. Happy Easter!

5 days old and looking like her daddy :-)

Awww. She couldn't have been more than a couple weeks in this picture.

Mama and baby were tired.

Mama mustered up the energy to hang outside for a bit.

Naomi made herself quite comfortable in daddy's arms :-)

Family picture! Yay Auntie Erin for catching the candid moments.

They're always making faces at each other. Daddy-daughter time is too precious!

Her Auntie Nini makes sure she's in constant supply of adorable animal print clothes :-) And her Auntie Erin makes sure her mama stays stylish ;-)

Posing!

"Mama, I'm too tired for pictures!"

Time to fly around the house with daddy!

This little girl melts our hearts!

Look at that smile :-)

Hope you enjoyed hearing Naomi's birth story and seeing pictures of my precious little girl. :-)

Back to the blog world, this time with a baby!

Today marks exactly two months from the last time I blogged, which was March 13. In that post, I said that if you didn't hear from me within the week, that I had the baby. Wellllll, I actually had my baby almost two weeks from that time, so lo siento guys for not getting another post done before then! But in my defense, there was so much going on!

So, yes. My baby is here. I love her to pieces. It's so hard to imagine life without her! I lose sleep, hardly eat, and don't have nearly as much time for myself, and you know what? I wouldn't trade it for anything. I definitely plan to share about the day leading up to her birth, but I'll save that for another post. In the meantime, I'll share a picture of her on her birth-day.

Naomi Grace, born on Tuesday, March 26 at 5:37pm, 6 lbs., 4 oz., 19.5 in.

Stay tuned for her birth story and life after baby!

Anniversary, Moving, Pregnancy... Mini Life Update!

I literally had to go back and see what the last post I wrote was because it's been that long since I've written. A whole month, ya'll! Good grief. In my defense though, I have so much going on!! This post is just to give you a brief update of what's been going on in my life and what I'll be sharing in upcoming posts (and yes, I shall include pictures in the upcoming posts!).

Well for one, my first wedding anniversary has come and gone. It was February 25. The husband and I had a great evening out together. It's incredible how much can happen in a year, man! And it's even more incredible how quickly that year passed by! Definitely learning to cherish every single moment the Lord blesses us with.

Next up on the list? I'm currently 37 weeks and 5 days pregnant, meaning I'm due in two weeks and two days, ahhh! I haven't been consistently doing the weekly photos (sorry, ya'll) but once I do my next pregnancy post, I promise to include what pictures I do have, and even some from the baby showers that were thrown for us :-) And lemme just give this little disclaimer: if you don't hear from me within the week, you can just assume that baby girl has come early, in which case this blog definitely goes on the back burner again. Not for forever, but maybe for a while. I hear having a newborn can be kinda tiring... ;-)

We're moving! The Lord blessed us with an amazing new home! It was such a blessing being where we've been for this first year, but the Lord has truly shown that the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth MUCH, and He blessed us with a place that exceeded even what we were praying for. We'll be officially moved in (i.e., staying the night!) by Thursday! Hello, new beginnings :-)

I'm pretty sure there have been other cool and exciting things happening, but that's all that's coming to mind at this current moment. And just so ya know, "this current moment" happens to be at 3:30 in the morning. Baby girl is already throwing off my sleep times, and she hasn't even arrived yet! Which brings me to this adorable (though slightly disheartening haha--j/k) meme I found on Pinterest... I'll be back soon ya'll, pinky promise!! (Unless the baby comes early ;-))

Not just Valentine's Day, but every day

Happy Valentine's Day, people! Or...not so happy day? I'm one of those people who, as I crossed the threshold from elementary to middle school, and even more so as I went from middle school to high school, began to despise this day. I found it sad and somewhat repulsive that so many girls found their worth and felt loved simply because some guy who typically lasted about a week, if that, would get them flowers or candy and some cheap (albeit, adorable) teddy bear. Ick. Gross. Not my thing. I loved sharing Valentine's Day with friends and family though, but the whole relationship aspect of it always made the day seem shallow overall.

Fast-forward to now, and Valentine's Day still isn't my favorite holiday, but I've learned to appreciate it. I've always gotten loads of love from my family and closest friends, and the Husband (who shows me love every day, not just this day!) takes advantage of the fact that he loves giving gifts to spoil me a bit. Gotta say, I love it ;-)

Oh, but the ultimate Lover... Love wouldn't even be a topic of conversation if it weren't for Him! My capacity to love my husband, my family, my friends, my enemies, strangers? It would be absolutely non-existent had He not first shown me what true love is. My Savior relentlessly pursued me and showed me showered me with a love that extended beyond feeling and into actions that have eternal repercussions. He took my heart, hardened by worldly perceptions of love, and He replaced it with one that was soft and not only able to let love in, but to give love out. He has shown Himself to be actually jealous for me, wanting me, choosing me! Even when I've attempted to "break things off" He has been right there. Talk about a consistent love!! So for Jesus, who is love, I am ever so grateful.

I know it's so easy to throw around on Valentine's Day these "helpful" sentiments of Oh, don't feel down or be upset because you don't have a man/boyfriend/fiance/husband/boo-thang; you have even better because you have JESUS! While that might be true, our humanity doesn't cease because we're saved. I think it's even more beautiful to come to Him transparent and broken and wanting and needing, and then be absolutely amazed when He fills us with exactly what our heart truly longs for--more of Him. Not just February 14th of every year, but every single day. 

Are you doing anything for Valentine's Day this year?

Get to know Him!

First Valentine's Day with the (now) Husband.

February 2009.

Valentine's Day 2011.

Some Music for ya...

How He Loves by David Crowder Band

Looking for Love by Trip Lee

May you feel loved today and every day!!