I'm sitting there and the thoughts are in my head but they just. won't. come. out.
I want verbalize them but every time I open up my mouth
comes a random statement about
the latest book I've read
or upcoming summer plans.
(Where is the fire?) I watch eyes light up about family, friends,
temporal stuff that has no bearing on the life to come.
but I speak not a word.
Finally His name slips out my lips. Once. Twice.
Why? His name has that much power!
I know it as I say it,
and they know it as they hear it,
and yet I don't. say. more.
Mind drifts away from the conversation to scriptures read just that morning:
For I am not ashamed... living sacrifice... count as loss...
power of God unto salvation...
(So is to not speak of salvation me having the power to sentence others to death?)
Here I sit.
I embrace the truth of the gospel wholeheartedly and selfishly hoard it.
I fatten my spirit and harden my heart and I just. don't. share.
(or care? Because if I don't share I must not care...enough.)
And when someone later asks me how the day went I pause.
Because it certainly didn't go as planned.
My plan was to share. To give. To lose
this excess weight gained in the gluttony of spiritual things,
to exercise this faith
I claim to have.
Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. It was my plan, into which I inserted
the One who has the power to save.
Even the best intentions of sharing the gospel can go awry
when not done under the Spirit's leading.
I wonder how to clean up this mishap then remember:
I don't. I pray. I let go. I hope.
How am I to grow without failing? I learn most often by my mistakes.
Me: weak. Him: strong.
(Surely no chances again soon though.)
But yes. Next day, new person.
I open my mouth to speak, then shut it.
His Spirit flows,
my mouth opens,
His words speak.
Under the direction of my Master
I am a willing slave
to the truth that frees.
Having no idea how the situation will turn out
I still choose to surrender myself to His working through me.
For even in the midst of my failures and weaknesses,
in His sovereignty He (still) provides an opportunity
for me to honor Him.