Thursday, December 6, 2012

"First comes the love, then comes the...whaa..??"

Ah, don't we all remember the little childhood rhyme? Though, looking back, not much "childish" about it, ha! But from a very young age, it seems we are taught that there is a certain order and structure to life that is meant to be followed. In some aspects, yes, I do agree. But in this newlywed  phase of life, when it seems like everyone around me is popping out the little ones, all the singles are getting engaged, all the marrieds are celebrating life milestones, I think know that the main thing the Lord is trying to teach me is to sloooowww dooowwwwnnnn....

Did you happen to read through all that crossed out stuff? If you didn't, don't worry you didn't miss out on anything except IRONY. (Which means you need to go back and read it. Now.) In case you did read it and the irony is lost on you, let me explain. I started this post (yes, that exact above paragraph) on June 18th of this year. I never finished it because I didn't know how to finish it, and also for one other reason. Less than one month later, on July 16th to be specific, I found out I was pregnant. I am sitting here laughing to myself and shaking my head (lol-ing and smh-ing?) even as I type that out because it is so...yes, I shall say it again...ironic!! I mean goooo figure.

In some ways I think writing out that pre-pregnancy post was me trying to prove to myself that I really was coming to accept the fact that I don't need to do things in the same timing as others. And that really is true. I don't. God has a timing specific to everyone's individual life, so why try to walk in someone else's shoes? So why am I pregnant, you ask? Well, fact is, birth control only works if you take it when you're supposed to. So there ya go.

(Sidenote: we always knew this would happen. Don't know how we knew, but we just did. Maybe God was preparing us? Or maybe it was just the simple fact that expecting me to remember to take a pill every day at the same time every day was absolutely laughable. Don't know that we'll be trying that again! That's a whole 'nother conversation though...)

So here I am, nearly a month later and now I have to deal with all these emotions I'm having.

Yay! I'm having a baby! You're only pregnant because you wanted to be like other people. I'm glad I'm pregnant! I wouldn't be if God didn't want me to be! You are so unprepared for this. There goes the rest of your life. That's what you get for not having discipline with your pills. You don't even like birth control! Therefore you should've expected to get pregnant; therefore, you should be happy

And so on and so forth. I wish I could say that early on, most of my thoughts were positive and that I was just bubbling with excitement. I mean, there were times that I did feel that way, but the fact is, my emotions varied so far and wide that I wasn't sure what was at the core of what I truly felt.

And then came the morning sickness. O. M. G. Worst three months of my life. I mean, seriously. Talk about teetering into depression. I lost between 3-6 pounds during my first trimester, and I only recently got back to my pre-pregnancy weight. Words simply cannot express how absolutely miserable it was to spend the majority of the day leaning over a toilet or always needing a trashcan next to the couch or the bed or always having to keep a plastic bag (or two or three) in the car because I threw up whenever I drove (or was a passenger!) from pregnancy-induced motion sickness. I got the worst hot flashes, and come to find out, public stripping is unacceptable. Everything smelled disgusting. Everything tasted disgusting. Commercials with food looked disgusting. Everything Jeremiah made during that time was disgusting. Life sucked. Blah blah blah. My poor husband! Poor ME!! haha.

It's true. Whoever called it morning sickness must've been a man or some very, very, very lucky woman.

(Sidenote: Want the gory details?? Once I brushed my teeth after I threw up because I didn't like the gross feeling in my mouth. The taste of the toothpaste made me gag, and I threw up again. At least I was already in the bathroom. Yay for positive thinking...!!)

(Sidenote part 2: I do give God all praise though because the way things were ordered, I ended up submitting my two week notice for Things Remembered just a few days before we found out about the baby! The decision to leave was totally unrelated to the pregnancy (I wasn't experiencing morning sickness yet), yet in God's perfect plan. Cuz there's no way I would've survived that retail job and those crazy hours and all that stress with how I was feeling! So glory be to GOD!)

You're probably wondering why in the world I'm sharing all this. I'm actually wondering this myself. Well, I guess I wanted to finish the post I started all those months ago :-) But seriously, even as I'm writing I know this can come across as a bunch of complaints with no real solutions. I guess there are some things I want to clear up, both for myself and for others. For one, I know it's easy to try to keep up appearances. For those of you who read this and are friends with me on Facebook, I'm sure you'd have to agree that most of my statuses are happy and excited about having a little one on the way, and let me be clear, those posts are totally genuine. But getting to the point where I could share that happiness and it actually be how I truly feel....well, that's been a process.

When you really think about it, no one expects for you (me--Christ-follower, married woman) to be feeling anything but sheer joy at the announcement of a child. And even if there's the slightest inclination towards that, no one would expect for you to be broadcasting those mixed feelings to the world. I mean, how un-Christian-like is that!? (more transparency needed in the body, anyone?) Also, it's so easy to hear about the good stuff with pregnancy, all the oohs-and-ahhs and not the hard, uncomfortable, I-think-I'm-going-to-die-why-does-sex-have-to-lead-to-misery-and-BABIES moments. Well, here I am, broadcasting. Just me and my flaws...flaws and all? I hate Beyonce. Well, hate's a strong word lol. Dislike. Where was I? Oh yeah. Broadcasting. The Lord has seriously brought me (and the Husband too, actually) a LONG way since that fateful July day, and it would just be wrong to not give testimony to what HE's done!

So there ya go. This is the intro to me sharing the spiritual, emotional, and physical road I've been travelling since finding out about baby girl (who I love immensely!). It's a road I didn't want to be on at first, but that I'm so thankful and HAPPY to be on now.

How'd I get from those initial emotions to where I am now? Why did I have mixed emotions to begin with? How has being pregnant affected my relationship with both God and the Husband? Stay tuned for Part 2....

No comments:

Post a Comment